Lesson 4...Use your assigned quote and set the scene

"If I should"

Gertrude Stein said,

“You have to learn to do everything, even to die.”

But I must tell you, having tried it once; old Gert’s quote should have included better instructions or a syllabus with footnotes and a glossary.

A daily planner, with only one page, would surely be a help.
I guess I hadn’t planned on this moment being so scary.
So lonely.
So permanent.
That being said, I hadn’t planned on dying at the ripe old age of 42 either.
I’m not sure I know how to do this with poise. I mean I’ve put up an Oscar winning performance the past month. I have reassured, quoted the percentages, claimed an early victory, and even bragged about my plan to pose for Playboy after this is all over.
“Just wait until they do the women with scars issue! I’ll make us all rich,” I would tease,
“C-sections, breast tumors, hysterectomy,

and now a long and lovely open heart operation scar.”

“Mrs. Bevis,” a soft voice spoke as the ceilings lights flickered on,

“You need to take these meds within the next 30 minutes. I always like to give my patients a little time to get their last thoughts in order,

So, I’ll be back in a few.”
“Already? Really?” I asked, my voice cracking like that of pubescent boy!
“Now, remember, you will not awake again until after the surgery and you will be intubated and unable to speak. Do you have any final questions?” the nurse inquired nonchalantly.
“No, thank you,” my mouth said politely, while my mind screeched something about using the words ‘final’ and ‘last’ in this situation.
I glanced at the generic hospital room clock,

wondering how quickly 5:30 am would become 6:00am.
I needed to stop horsing around. Wasting my precious minutes.
I needed a prayer; a good 12 years of Catholic school, can’t miss, Holy Roller prayer.
“Bless us O Lord, and these thy …gifts…”
Are you kidding me?
Thirty minutes away from perhaps being on perpetual time and all I can remember is Grace,

the blessing before we eat?
Come on Donna, it’s 5:37 and you need to hunker down and get serious.

Think! Think.
You've seen enough movies, heard enough tent revival songs. Read enough memoirs.
You must have some profound words left to say,
Just in case.
Words with presence. Meaning.
Hurry up!!
How can you be so calm? No desperate death bed promises? No angst, disappointment,

fury at all you had hoped to do? No apologies?

Regrets?
Well, regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention, I did what I had to do….”
Donna, for the love God! How on earth did Frank Sinatra sneak into your might be,

could be, death bed scene?
And now that I think about it, how did I end up in this final act?
Intently staring at a clock, now reading 5:48, as if my life depended on it.
I mean really, there I was, minding my own business, raising a house filled with sons. A career that was more avocation than vocation. A darling husband, that I have cherished since first we met. And what about my family history of physically, though not always mentally, healthy folks? So how come 96 years old Nana Granny is still sucking down pureed pasta, and I’m lying here with a bad heart and matching aneurysm?
The ultimate buy one, get one free combo....No So Much.
Tick…tick…tick…5:54 am
Come on back, Donna. I have faith in you. Come on, focus.
You hear those squishy footsteps in the hall?
Breathe….breathe…You know, maybe, just maybe it is simply time for my earthly life to end and my eternal life to begin. And maybe, just maybe it will be fine.
Perfectly fine.
For now, I’ll just lay me down…..lay me down….
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I…
If I should…
“Mrs. Bevis, it is 6:00, and here are you meds. Now you just relax. Everything is going to be over before you know it,” the nurse reassured,

“In just a few minutes you should be sound asleep.”
Should…..If.....

If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Hey Donna, you did good and if you come out this, I think you need to give old Gertrude Stein a second chance too.